If It Flies, It Spies

Birds Aren’t Real is a group created around the theory that, between 1959 and 2001, the US government completed a gruesome genocide of over 12 million birds and replaced them with flying drones that record our every move. And now, if Bird is the word, it stands for B.asic I.nformation R.ecording D.rone.

How could I enjoy a “digital detox” knowing it might be robotic drones chirping me awake each morning? And what level of EMF were they giving off? There are far more birds flying overhead here than in the city. I wouldn’t go to an AA meeting in the basement of a cocktail lounge.

The videos I found on YouTube had hundreds of millions of views. One video showed the leader of the movement jumping up and down with a megaphone on top of a van, rallying thousands of followers in his flock. He then leads them in a march around a government building, all of them chanting, “Birds Aren’t Real!” as if they were trying to sing down the walls of Jerico.

The movement’s official website even sells merchandise. My personal favorite is a tee-shirt that reads, If It Flies, It Spies.

The punchline of it all didn’t appear until I watched the leader, a twenty-something kid named, Peter McIndoe, in a national news interview. The interviewer leans in and asks, “This is satire, right?”

McIndoe shakes his head. “That’s offensive. I don’t think you’d say that if I came out here and said, ‘birds are real.’ I don’t see why the other side of the argument can’t be met with equal respect.”

At that point, I wondered why they didn’t just bring out a cage of live pigeons right then and there? Anyone with a bee-bee gun and a pocket knife could carve this conspiracy theory wide open.

A few moments later, however, McIndoe breaks character. He confesses that (I hope you’re sitting down), the movement is a joke. It is 100% satire and parody of the time in which we live.

“It’s a way,” McIndoe says, “to fight lunacy with lunacy.”

The moon landing was faked. The earth is flat. Elvis is alive and Paul is dead. Those are the cute conspiracy theories. The classics that leave true believers hopped up on excitement (with just a dash of paranoia).

But today, in a world where everything falls off the fringes instead of reverting to the mean, it’s no surprise people are seeking shelter in a (mis)information safe space. To even entertain half of today’s conspiracy theories is enough to make you cry.

The speed and vigor in which conspiracy spread during the pandemic show how important it is for humans to try and make sense of the unexplainable. We all twist our identities around a set of beliefs. But now, as opinions become birthright and more lines get drawn in the sand, it’s harder to bury your head like a robotic ostrich trying to get some sleep.

Pick a side and hold still: Pro-choice. Pro-life. Pro… Bird?

We all know the 24-hour news cycle is a birdcage of depression. But as someone who keeps a fairly strict media diet, I know most of the misinformation in my brain comes from my own personal writer’s room.

There are the things I want to believe. The lies I tell myself for the sake of self-preservation. When truth flies north for winter, leaving you with a dark, empty void, what’s left to fill it with besides personal conspiracy theories around what went wrong?

Because when the truth feels far away, and you reach the moment where everything you thought you knew for certain has flown the coup…

A sense of humor helps.

Thanks for reading! If it made you smile or made you think, please forward to a friend!

The temperature is soaring above, watching you all.

-Corey